My Happiest Day

This post is inspired by a Netflix series that I watched last night- Maid. In the last episode, Alex asked the participants to write about their happiest day, it could be a day that they experienced in their life or their imagination. At that moment, I also thought about my happiest day:

• It was a beautiful day in 2018 when I was lying in my dorm room in Galashiels, Scotland. I felt free and lightweight as if my body was slowly vanishing into thin air. I lose feeling about my physical body and felt like I was turning into “nothing”, just like air and then gradually evaporating from my bed and after that floating freely in the sky. I saw nothing, felt nothing, heard nothing but just a sense of tranquillity and peace. At that moment, I believed that I was at a place what is so-called “heaven”. This sense of heaven gave me an idea about “being present” for the first time in my life. Therefore, I called it a happy death.
• I have recalled that memory many times since then, especially whenever I felt lost or exhausted with the burdens I put on myself. And then, it leads a question about the purpose of my life: if death could bring me so much peace and happiness like that, why should I continue this life? What is it for? I tried many times to go back to that moment by using the same method: I hop on the same bus with that expectation but unfortunately, it always took me to different places. I realized that it would never work if I actively search for it. As if that short-lived but powerful moment were just a one-time gift. By that way, I gradually realize that maybe the underlying meaning about that death experience for me is not about the relief when all of my insecurity and anxiety were ended but living in a present moment while letting all of those emotional waves sweep through my body, feeling the beauty of chaos (and sometimes desperation) and then letting them go. Without suffering, I might never be able to see heaven again:

What a wonderful day
To lose it all
Lose it all

What a wonderful way
To choose to fall
Choose to fall

It’s all for the best
For all I know
But oh what a way to go

What a beautiful mess
That we are in
To our chins

How did we get to this place?
Once again
My old friend

….

(What a beautiful way to go)